Grief Etiquette for the Unenlightened

Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom. —Rumi

1. Your silence hurts. No one deals with death well, and some really can’t handle it at all. But we don’t want to be alone. Please don’t give us the silent treatment because you don’t know what to say. Just say, “I’m here.” That’s all we need.
2. Taking a photo with the family members or of anyone else at the funeral service is inappropriate and hurtful.
3. Posting questions on social media like “How did he die?” or “What happened?” is, to be honest, none of your business. If it wasn’t posted, there’s a reason. Maybe the family doesn’t want to talk about how their loved one died. Respect that.
4. Don’t talk on the phone at the gravesite. This is our final goodbye, so be sure to show respect.
5. Let the family make the social media announcement about their loved one’s death. You can post about it later.
6. Be very patient with the grieving. We do not know what we’re doing. We don’t know what day it is; you can say the same thing ten times, and we won’t understand; we will start crying out of nowhere. Just take your time with us.
7. If we’re rude to you, swallow your pride and let it pass. We aren’t doing it on purpose and we probably don’t even know we’re doing it. We’re very numb, so try to let it go.
8. Recognize the need. If we haven’t had anything to drink or eat all day, just go get us something and share it with us.
9. Try not to give us extra stress. Don’t drop a bomb on us in the middle of grieving (“I’m quitting as your assistant” or “Why haven’t you paid your invoice yet? I told you it was due!”).
10. Memes are amazing, but try to hold off sending us memes or funny videos unless we ask or initiate it during this time. We don’t want to laugh right now. It makes us feel guilty. That feeling won’t last, but again, be patient.
11. Silence your phones when you walk into a funeral home. Check it even if you know you silenced it.
12. Wrap your arms around us. We need to cry and we need a shoulder to lean on. You don’t even have to say anything—just listen.
13. Put actions behind your words. Donating to a GoFundMe to support funeral costs goes a LONG way. The family watches the meter go up, and it encourages them. Even if it’s $5, that money is cash the family doesn’t have to come up with. Also, know that we see your donations and it warms our hearts like you could never believe.
14. Put aside all past animosity. When there’s a death, those feuds don’t matter anymore.
15. Everything, and I mean everything, is about the lost individual. We don’t care about trivial things; we don’t care about clean houses; we don’t care about our smeared makeup; we don’t care that you had a tough day at work. It’s not to be mean. It’s just that our entire thought process is centered on mourning someone we loved. Let us do that.
16. We are not cognizant. Try not to use phrases like “cheer up” or “find some joy” or “don’t look so glum.” And please, please, please do not ever say “it’s time to move on” or “I know exactly how you feel.” Those are hurtful things to say to us.
17. If you knew the deceased, tell us stories about them. Tell us funny ones and happy ones. Tell us what he or she meant to you. We want those memories too!
18. If you weren’t close to the deceased, then don’t act like it. People can see through the insincerity.
19. Don’t fight with us. Love us instead.
20. Don’t ignore us when we talk about the deceased. For some of us, we need to talk about him. We need to show photos of her.
21. Do not launch into your own past grief. There will come a time when we need this; during the grieving process is not that time. So watch out for phrases like, “I remember when this happened to me . . .”
22. Please do not say things like, “We had our differences, but…” or “I know we didn’t always get along, but…” Those things of the past don’t matter right now.
23. A funeral isn’t a red carpet or a catwalk. Keep that in mind when choosing outfits from your wardrobe.
24. Write us sympathy cards. Share your favorite verse or a quote. Just show us you’re thinking about us.
25. Check in on us later. After the funeral is over, life goes back to normal for everyone else. But the pain is so strong for us after.
26. BONUS: We give you permission to say the generic things like, “I’m praying for you,” or “I’m thinking of you.” See #1.

An expert editor, seasoned writer, and author-centric marketer, Shayla Raquel works one-on-one with authors and business owners every day. A lifelong lover of books, she has edited over 300 books and has launched several Amazon bestsellers for her clients.

Her award-winning blog teaches new and established authors how to write, publish, and market their books.

She is the author of the Pre-Publishing Checklist, The Rotting (in Shivers in the Night), and The Suicide Tree. In her not-so-free time, she acts as organizer for the Yukon Writers’ Society, volunteers at the Oklahoma County Jail, and obsesses over squirrels. She lives in Oklahoma with her two dogs, Chanel and Wednesday.